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Guilt

by Errin on November 2, 2010

Looking back at October it’s becoming clear that I have a hang up. You see, I had some grand plans for some epic rides. Many miles were supposed to be ridden. When all was said and done, only a few actually passed below my tires. Work conspired to get in the way of some of my rides, and fatigue others. However, the toughest obstacle is guilt. Yeah guilt.

Today Serbrina, my partner in crime, is getting another transfusion. She has to get them from time to time due to her health. She needs a liver transplant and we need a donor. (Got one you’re not using? Let us know.).

Anyways, when she doesn’t feel well, I don’t like to ride. Here’s where the guilt comes in. It’s really hard for me to go out and do something that I enjoy while she’s at home not feeling well at all. I know that some people use that as their strength to overcome challenges or meet personal goals. However I feel the opposite. I want to do what I can to help her. Even though there is nothing I can do. I mean, I’m not a doctor, I don’t even play one on tv (I do edit one on tv though). I want to be with her for some support. Even if it’s just getting her some water.

I’ve been watching Ride The Divide lately (over and over) and the scene where Mike Dion stops racing hits close to home. He is reflecting on why he’s out there, when he’s got his wife and kids at home. Is he being selfish? Am I being selfish? Should I be out on the road pedaling along, or could I be doing something more productive to help?

It’s a funny thing though. Even though I want to stay by her side, she pushes me to reach for new goals and pedal even farther. I have the toughest wife and the most supportive wife. When I am out on my rides I do think of her and her situation. When I can get past the guilt I am able to push on and I feel like I can achieve anything. As long as the guilt doesn’t get in the way.

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From → Bikes

  • http://apertome.com/blog/ Apertome

    I wish I knew what to tell you. My liver is currently in use, so I’m afraid I can’t part with it just yet. I am, however, an organ donor, so someday hopefully someone can make use of my various organs when I’m done with them.

    It sounds like you are both in a position of supporting the other person, and taking care of their needs, and that’s what it’s all about. Hopefully there is a middle ground, where you can ride a lot, but still take care of her, too.

  • http://www.theadventuremonkey.com/blog Adventure Monkey

    Man, that sucks for lack of fancy words. Although my wife doesn’t have health probs, I feel that same guilt you feel when I ride, leaving the fam at home. On the other hand, if I don’t ride I become a real a-hole to be around. I too have an awesome and supportive wife. Maybe we should do the Divide together?? I am looking at 2012 as a goal. I hope it works out. Then our wives could hang out together while we ride…

  • http://frontageroads.com Errin

    Thanks for the comments. There is no right or wrong here, but this forum does allow me to share in our situation. Sharing is good, for me at least.

    @Apertome-She doesn’t need the whole thing, just part of it. You can keep some too! Just kidding, kind of.

    @Adventure Monkey- So is the tandem back on the table? We could switch off between captain and stoker!

  • http://www.eojmeiser.blogspot.com Joe Meiser

    Errin,

    I can tell you, having a wife and partner that is my biggest advocate, that Serbrina is with you when you are out there. When I was in a tough frame of mind on the divide I would imagine that Anni was pushing me along. She gave that visual to me in a conversation we had when I was in Breckenridge. It got me through.

    What should you do…What does Serbrina want for you? What do you want to do knowing that?

  • Jaime

    My heart goes out to you and your wife (and I wish my liver could could go, too). I would feel more guilty of not making the most of my time on the bike if she’s OK with it and she’s otherwise managing. You need to be as tough as she is, man. I could not ride as much or as well if my wife didn’t support me. She’s come and rescued me more times than I care to admit.

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